So what is the beach like? A probable cause of insanities, leading to a moment of purity, understanding, peace, and.. love. But must one go through a set of challenges to comprehend the moment and its meaning more? Or must it be that one has to endure the complications of self-outing, whether intentional or not, that concurs to necessary revelation? I do not know.. Well, I hope you enjoy this more than a figurative story about loss and post-heartbreak spiraling.

// here is a recap of the disco; anything on top is for the beach..

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When Will You See Me Aga.in?

I had a friend talk to me about being lonely, that is no space to be comfortable in. What was the reason? The condition: comfortability in finding commonality with somebody or more. It is strange my friend found it amusing that even in places of comfortability, there is a slight disconnect in everyone; that being surrounded was their spot of being most alone. Somehow, I tried to respond in due time to make up for the silence I had left them. They responded, “I got so used to everybody that everyone became strangers again” and that shocked me.

This is not some tale or anecdote to rely that people make you feel alone no matter where you go or how this perspective is doomed to make you fail in society or social cues. I think I had to step back and to relocate this person’s steps in life.

They are just like me: the more you know someone, the less you do. And I think they got to a point where knowing everyone got so dull because the amount of perceptive knowledge into the behavior of humans nullifies your thoughts of them. Your feelings are well… still valid, I suppose, but that really depends.

Even in that spot, I felt less alone even when I got to know them more. Paradoxically, I feel more connected with people when I know what goes inside their brain. I hate useless garble. I mean I can care without the spontaneity of human language and decisions. It is something to learn about and how our human condition changes our natural instincts.. but that is for another time.

Eventually, my friend leaves and I go back to being alone in the parking lot. We spoke a lot about things I never imagined they thought about. Not that I think I am better ‘cause “I am the only person who thinks of these pivotal notions” nor there is no sentiment toward the human conscience, I just believe nobody wants to think about psychoanalysis or what makes us tick. More so, individually. Whatever. I go back to listening to my old tunes and think about this week. I might attend a disco joint this Friday. Not sure. I miss summer summer. – Eve; May 5, 2025

Song of the day: “Stoned” by Mac Miller.

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Pandemonium in Human Momentum:

2024 is about to end and I generally do not know how I feel about wrapping this year with the events that unfolded in front of me. From pure psychosis at the beginning of the year to realizing I am still not fully encapsulated with my emotions, I think ending it on this weird note that “yeah, I experienced a lot but learned a lot” IS so common. Of course, you learn, you prevent, or you understand to configure amongst conditions or none. I am not sure. I do not think I could ever forgive my old friend of these sprung up feelings that I did not intend to feel. I had almost forgotten everything.. and they were not real, fortunately.

Probably going to assume a new persona to remove myself of these old troubles. I have a friend who always talks about going out to the clubs or some disco to be blinded by the lights. It is something.

As of now, I dream more often about things I still cannot find myself to be in. Once, I dreamt of running my hometown like I was the mayor. It was all 2023. Maybe it is some sign of a bigger issue… who cares, right?

Right now, I have to figure why I still stand alone in this town. It has been two years being here and I feel how I felt before I left… It is not about relationships of any of that nature. The feeling only. It lingers by wherever I go, I guess. – Eve; December 19, 2024.

Song of the day: “Black Memories” by The Growlers };

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I Am Human:

Lately, I have felt a strange wave of missing people in my life. From the years I ran away to the minimized social interactions after coming back, I seem to think about all the humans I interacted with. Some from far away towns, to little conversations, to full-blown trauma dumping sessions, to whatever. And this is not like the common “I miss them because they filled a void at the time” or of any condition-based reason; I simply miss them because I just do.

We do so much in our lives that we cater so much to the ideology of self-care/self-love that defies all momentum of other beings; forgetful, dishonest, and distasteful.

I had a moment coming back home in 2022 where I assume nobody cared because it was a last minute thing, that empathy arises in the moment someone falls which way. Well, of course, idiot! People assign themselves in situations with appropriate behaviors to adjust and to align such event for assistance or courtesy. It is not rocket science why a human being is sad at a funeral or happy because they discovered good news. I just had the thought from some manner of spiraling… That was three years ago anyways.

Regardless, I miss people. I miss some really much, but I know I can never see them again because of my decisions years ago or because it has been a full decade of speaking to each other. Like, why do I miss my friends from junior year or 8th grade? Such a trivial thought… but valid. Again, I am not too sure why I am longing for people out of my life than those who are currently in my life.

I am truly an anomaly. – Eve; May 1, 2025

Song of the day: “The Fear of Losing This” by Florist

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Moronic Frequencies For A Celestial Body:

I never talk about my feelings only because I find it irrational that no matter what source picks it up, it will always be misconstrued into something entirely false than I hoped to be.

You see: I have liked many people from women to men in my arduous, psychologically developing life but never have I wished to date a single one of them; I never got to love or to be loved. It was not until I realized I might have been in love as soon as [YOU KNOW] left my vicinity but that story is too repetitive. Was it not a couple years ago, I would still be head over heels for my old friend. That, I found a way with some coworkers which adventuring was constant and well, that did not last long anyways. Then, I saw more faces and more diluted emotions that made me realize what more I look for in a person. I started to like less but to invest with people in time; to wait. Not sure what that has gotten me but I never think about it anymore. Is that Lover Boy material if I invest in a handful of people but dismiss feelings for them when spoken about it because maybe deep down, I subconsciously know it is not a proper form of affection? Haha, I might be evil..

What I am trying to say is why I hold onto to these feelings or why I am the way I am into hiding my feelings for others: I always knew how people were even if I learned it throughout my peers and their growing stages. I cannot base anything off me because I am just one of many but everyone else? Jesus! Feelings are totally an individual experience but merely a joint effort when it comes to more than one to involve each other in their “endeavors” if so be. That, I found it to be extremely fallible that no matter what you say or feel, it is not so indestructible as you think because the other is betting that you are meaning the opposite of what you feel or think because even they are scared despite the time you spend with each other. Do not get me wrong: there is no invalidity of these feelings others produce since all people derive to feelings NOR do I disregard the search to think further with the growing conscience you inhibit, but must it not feel strange that we can excuse the existence with that reasoning? Feelings over feelings… Weird. Who is better? Haha.

Maybe, I am trying to figure that out more than ego or whatever. Regardless, I am always speaking about something. Maybe, this is another form of intellectualization and should live within the moment more which I have… Anyways, I have not been to the disco in a good time since my dreams fade more by the day. I just miss summer. Something I can definitely speak about. – Eve; April 29, 2025

Song of the day: “Dreams Tonite” by Alvvays

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I Spoke To The Universe For The First Time Today:

Somehow, I wonder how much I get away with things. Not that I intend to, but the views and feelings of other people.. You see: I go out, I dance, and I leave. Some people might find that different, that it is not just a night out but a search for something. Of course, my obligation, if concerned, is to ask. I am supposed to understand if any event becomes that of spontaneous and similar direction like a vector but of different direction or magnitude. I mean, how else would I know if I am unintentionally making someone fall in love with me that I meet them every Friday night at the same location and telling them that I will see them soon every time? Such a blur to me…

Anyways, I realized a lot about myself in one day. Nothing unusual to spark a revelation but I guess I pondered something that spiraled into a soft madness: whenever I am comfortable, I will always end up in an episode of pure ego or insanity OR whenever I am out of touch with reality, it is because I was comfortable… That to say, my body loses all filters and becomes one with the situation(s) I exist in. That, I am whole, content, and unbothered. I feel free and absolutely me BUT that is the problem: my “nervous system” takes into account and feels as if it is too good to be true. And to lose track of my peace, it takes it all back to.. when.. not sure. Whatever my therapist said, it is a longing sensation that makes me feel what I do not want to feel as it reverts that defensive action I instinctively find better than that. It is a blur but I thought that today after going crazy for a few weeks.

Sorry for the long waits and words. I need something to reclaim me back to reality. “It is better to be than to think”. Something someone told me a while ago. Maybe, the disco is not for me at all. – Eve; April 2, 2025

Song of the day: “Days Incomplete” by Fine

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There Is A Pendulum Swinging With My Neural Networks:

All I did was listen: forget what people think and remember what people feel and all I know is that people feel immense emotions. The heavier the person, the more I can relate and understand further, yet I am burdened with the disturbance of waves that has no relativity to my conscience.

I was dancing the other day and I had a guy try to talk to me. I was not really down for it because of the emotions I felt. Sure, have fun, get lit, and make experiences, but these things only happen when I am in sync with such person. So it is not literal when I repeat the phrase “forget this and remember that” but an understanding of how deep I get into all these things… Maybe I should not overthink it. Whatever. I would not want to experience something human with some stranger. Regardless, that night went awful because the person I wanted to dance with was not there. Rather, that person does not exist… But I do it for those reasons. I wish I could elaborate more, but what occurred in those fragments of reality, created by the wonderous brain of mine, sure changed me than my old friend who came up with that phrase. Why should I let dreams dictate my decisions/moods? Why should I let illusion make up for my missing opportunities? Somehow, I feel more crazy thinking about it. Maybe I should go dance some more or find a new hobby. This book is really not helping and my therapist recommended it to me. – Eve; March 14, 2025

Song of the day: “Nineteen” by Movements

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The Way Which Goes (define U(x, y, t)):

Appropriately, I can say life has gotten easier for the manner to try to live. What is purpose without meaning? That, a stride to accomplish some value for ourselves derives from meaning; what we intend to do for the betterment or gratification of life has meaning. There is no further push to determine “what we do means nothing” because whatever we do (feeling, filtered thoughts and motive, decision, action, then consequence) does. There is no step process you take that has any less meaning because it comes from you: you value what you want to do because there is purpose. Though, it can be scathed and repurposed as ego, for one accomplishes the meaning for an un/known ulterior motive. In processes, we designate variables to a high standard for further explanation in the case something goes wrong (the output = purpose).

Anyways… Ego is a problem I yet to manage. In the past three years, I cared solely to have fun. Really, I did not mean it as a manner of forgetting. I am only human and things can get skewed over time… I was trying to see what I missed out on all these years. I am tired of being restrained from metaphysical boundaries or even the physical ones, too. I am human. I need to live whatever that means to me. And do not get me started on the fuck boys who dare to think that as being a hoe or whatever. The double standards are crazy; commonality of thought to experiences corrupts your perspectives heavily. Basically, it is never safe to say it is true that all blah blah blah… but you studied logic, right? Fuck off, red-pilled fuckers. – Eve; February 1, 2025

Song of the day: “The Usual Dilemma” by Friends Unseen

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